The Suzumiyan Conquest
by Kite Impulse
Summary: Annoyed at the amount of people spending their time on "useless activities" instead of assisting the SOS Magical Mystery Patrol, Haruhi decides to defeat and humiliate every person in Japan at their own game.


A/N: this idea struck me when a trip to the shopping mall made me realize just how many things there are to do….

"Kyon! This is unacceptable!" Well neither is your treatment of that table, what did it ever do to you? "People are just wasting too much time on useless things, I mean look at that arcade over there!" I made sure the lid on my coke was securely fastened as Haruhi continued pounding on the table. It would have done Asahina-san good to do the same, as her water spilled onto the front of her dress moments later. Wow that dress really becomes transparent after absorbing…

"I've just about had it!" Haruhi's voice interrupted me from imprinting the pleasant image opposite me into my mind well enough for later recall. As Haruhi continued her rant, Koizumi just sat there smiling as usual, Nagato deftly catching fries out of mid-air with each tremor while Asahina-san scrambled to the ladies room, hunched over with her arms crossed over her chest.

"These people should be spending their time doing more important things like searching for aliens, time travelers or espers! The SOS mystery patrol could definitely use a few more people!" I for one prefer it if they were short of one person, in which case I would gladly volunteer to fulfill my role as the absent guy.

"I've decided! If we manage to show them how worthless they are, then they'll obviously stop and devote themselves to other things to better themselves!" And in what twisted dimension is searching for supernatural creatures a way to better yourself? If that dimension were to exist then it would a benefit to its inhabitants if it was destroyed by some angsty teenagers in a giant mecha for the sake of the existence of a greener world such as ours. We should thanks the gods of every major religion that Haruhi is a very big exception and not a rule.

"We will forcefully take control of all time wasting hot-spots! Our quest to change the world starts now! SOS-brigade, move out!" There was no purposeful movement at our table save for Haruhi, but even she could not get past the stoic behemoth of reason that is my idle body.

"Kyon! Were you listening? Get up and go!"

"No."

"I-am-your-leader!!"

"I refuse." I slowly finished off my burger as Haruhi continued her epic struggle to topple Mt. Kyon. In a battle of attrition, reason is the guaranteed victor.

"RIIIIIDERRR, JUMP!" The tides of the battle turned along with every head in the fast food joint as ill-founded zest launched a surprise desperation attack. *The reasonable forces have been defeated!*. I hate to admit it but she sure looks good in a miniskirt…..

"Lets go Kyon!"

"Juuust a minute…." At least let me indulge in my last precious moments of normality before we establish ourselves as the mental institution's most wanted subjects…

The overpowering aroma of cigarette smoke and sweaty hands greeted us at the arcade. Roars of victory and cries of defeat permeated the sound space. I was worried about bringing Asahina-san into such a rough place but it seemed like every person in the facility was more concerned with the 2D world. Of course, the game illiterate and always cautious Asahina-san remained latched onto my right arm as Haruhi led us to the dense gathering of people in the centre of the arcade. Ahh, why these people are so obsessed with non-existent girls I'll never understand.

"A**ka K***ma, wins!" The machine declared the winner of the last time wasting contest. Of course A**ka K***ma was really a severely obese middle aged man, smiling in satisfaction as the group gathered around the Player 1 side cheered and slapped him on the back in (I thought) rather meaningless congratulation . I took a look at the top left of the screen displaying player data as the last victim left the player 2 side empty. 979 wins and 9 losses? Exactly how are these people able to play one game that many times?! If they had instead spent all that time contributing to society….Oh man, I'm actually thinking like Haruhi now. Maybe she wasn't so crazy after all? Why was I opposed to…Oh right, her idea of contributing to society was exterminating any resident evils.

"What? That's it?! No more challengers? Come on! I'm almost up to 1000 wins!"

"No one dares to play against you Tabete-san!"

"I will battle you!" All heads turned once again towards Haruhi. It was beginning to look like it would be happening often today. A sleazy looking grin spread across Tabete's face as he lumbered towards us.

"Hey nee-chan, this isn't the kind of place you're meant to hang out in."

"Hah, the same goes for you! That is why I intend to evict you from the premises!"

"LOL!" He actually said "lol" in a real life conversation?!

"What are you? The police?" Tabete raised one corner of his mouth higher than the other, revealing three quarters of a set of teeth that could have been used as the "before" image for a new brand of super-strength toothpaste/bleach. Although…I have to admit we're probably the only group which is more useless than the police. Haruhi I'm begging you! Please don't say…

"We're the SOS-brigade!" I don't think I need to mention the outburst of laughter that opposed Haruhi's proud smirk.

"SOS? I don't know what that stands for but if you want to play then hurry up and sit down so we can get started. I don't have time to waste on anything other than achieving my goal of reaching 1000 victories on T****n 6."

"Hardcore!"

"As expected of Tabete-san!"

"Hah! I guess I just have to beat some sense into you!" Haruhi sat down at the Player 2 side and threw a 100 yen coin into the slot. Why does my pocket suddenly feel lighter?

"The King of Iron Fist Tournament 6" The machine announced the fictional title of the competition as the character selection screen came up.

"P**l Ph****x" the machine announced Haruhi's choice of character. "Get ready for the next battle!"

"Hey Haruhi, are you sure you can…."

"Of course! I am the warrior worth a thousand! No man with a mere 979 wins can defeat me!"

"Round 1! Fight!"

"HAAAA-DOUKEN!"

"Haruhi, I think that's a different fighting game."

"Wha-really? UWAGH!" I lowered my head in shame as Haruhi was tossed into the air as soon as the round began, no amount of her signature button mashing could help her as A**ka juggled P**l with surprising ease given the fact that she was a schoolgirl and P**l looked like a Pro Wrestling super-heavyweight champion decked in judo gear. Haruhi had lost the first round before she could say: "ORE-YAH!"

"Um, Kyon-kun, did Suzumiya-san just win? Or…"

"Let's just say that large men are overrated Asahina-san. I think that smarter, slimmer guys are much better." I may not be a Capturing God, but I'm still some sort of genius!

"Round 2!" the machine had no sympathy as it gave the go-ahead for a second trashing akin to what would have occurred in the film "300X1000 Spartans". On the other hand, the Nagato-san beside me had started moving her lips at a blinding speed.

"You can do it without touching the object now?! That's a new trick…"

"I had to gain a higher threshold of clearance from the Integrated Thought Entity in order to utilise the full capacity of this function." I tried to refrain from shouting "UWAGH!" at the surprise of Nagato being able to speak while her lip simultaneously moved in an incomprehensible blur. Of course I had to remain steadfast for the sake of completing the image that was already half constructed by the red-headed beauty attached to my limb.

"That bad huh?" Would the combined humiliation of losing at something mundane to a talking ball of lard and his friends lead to the destruction of the world? I turned to Koizumi next with a question in mind.

"You should already know the answer to that question." He said as his smile turned from 'I'm just happy to be here' to 'I'm a smartass esper boy'.

"Round 3!"

"TAKE THIS! BAN-KAI! ORAORAORAORAORA!!!!" Haruhi roared in a tone that would frighten even the Greek gods as she began mashing buttons with desperate vigor. This time A**ka was knocked into the air and given a beating that would make feminists all around the world break down in tears of agony. A collective gasp came from the player 1 side as P**l deftly evaded A**ka's counter-attack.

"KO."

"Round 4!" The process was repeated once again as I turned to Nagato.

"Nagato-san, what did you do this time?"

"Each input command will register as X(X), with X being the most desirable command within that period of processing time."

"So let me guess….X can even count as zero input?"

"If it is required." It wasn't a hard guess. No input of Haruhi's speed could possibly be useful in any game except one where you hit buttons according to each beat of a high-speed song. But I doubt that anyone would actually play it if it were made….

"FINAL ROUND!"

"Finishing strike! Thunder-godddssss…." P**l drew back his fist as he spread his feet wide, red circles of doom surrounding his fist of choice.

"PAUUUNCHHHH!!!!" The resounding sound of virtual fist meeting virtual flesh similar to the clank of baseball meeting bat on a home run hit resonated through the arcade as everything else seemed to go silent.

"Winner, P**l Ph****x."

"Hah! You guys should go home and rethink your life!" Haruhi stood up with a "Hu-hum!" as she strut towards the exit of the arcade.

"Hey Haruhi, is it okay to just leave them like that?" I said once we were greeted by the sunlight I had missed and Asahina-san had unfortunately broken her bond with my arm. Oh well, I guess you can't have it all.

"Hah, after a trashing like that they're bound to give up playing that stupid game altogether. The added humiliation by my comeback made it all the more effective! It was all part of the plan! All part of the plan!" Could Haruhi have asked Nagato beforehand to perform her spell _after_ 2 rounds had passed? Could President Bush's actions have done more good than harm?!

"Besides, you want me to actually take control of that entire arcade? Geez, I couldn't stand another second in that danky place. It was hardly worth seizing."

I began formulating a comment on her hypocrisy, but stopped short as she began eyeing the nearby batting cage.

A/N:Well there you go! Kyon doesn't spend much time at the arcade does he? I hope you like the idea and hopefully I will be able to continue this project to the end. Although perhaps that's one hope too many XP.

In any case, regarding my other ongoing project "The Kyonness of Haruhi Suzumiya", the next chapter is meant to be a fight scene and as such my co-write Cerium and I have needed to participate in intense discussion. We have some epic lines and scenes written down but Cerium seems to be unable to finish his part of the chapter as he is really busy in Boarding School with coursework and such.

In any case, look forward to the next chapter! And please remember to _**leave a review!**_


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